I am a woman in process. I’m just trying like everybody else. I try to take every conflict, every experience, and learn from it. Life is never dull. ~ Oprah Winfrey
I had every intention of going to workout today. I was dressed in my workout gear and sneakers. I was in the car coming down the 405 from Sherman Oaks, where I had an appointment and now at 12:45pm I find myself sitting in my office typing a mile a minute. I look down at my t-shirt which says, “you can cry, just don’t be a baby,” well, right now I am crying and feeling like a big baby. This happens sometimes to me…things seem to be going along just fine and then this unzipping happens, it feels like I’m wearing one of those heavy, scary, gorilla costumes where the back unzips and out comes this tiny, frail person with wide eyes. I am relieved and scared at the same time. Scared that I’ve been found out to be a fraud…I’m really not as tough, great, strong, powerful or with it as I looked or seemed and relieved because I’m not wearing that heavy suit. But now what? What do I do with that awareness? How do I live my truth without feeling bad that I might let someone down? How do I stop beating myself up? How does one have strength and vulnerability? My parents never had this type of consciousness and as I write this I can still hear the words, “you’re stupid, you’re going to amount to nothing” and “who do you think you are?”, then I think, “my life is really good, I’ve got a great husband, a beautiful daughter, we are all healthy, I have a roof over my head, and I live in the land of sunshine… there are people much worse off than me”. My daughter’s 10th birthday is coming up and a part of me is scared that I have already screwed her up in some way…god, please don’t let her go through life feeling like I sometimes do. Hopefully she will always know she is loved and that her life does have importance and worth.
Ahh, but these signs, these feelings, and this awareness is an awakening, it’s not good or bad…it just IS. I used to run away, go into a depression, have a nervous breakdown…now I write and sometimes I cry. These are signs of growth, and they are not always pleasant; just like my muscles get sore after a workout…there is going to be pain. I’ve got a lot of learning that still needs to be done.